Shift + Delete

It is not coming off, the memories that I am trying to clean..

they are deep..almost engraved and etched between,

How do I wipe them off and clear the memory slate?

past is dark, buried and I have given upon my fate,

I want to do it now, and get rid off this sulking feel..

It has killed me each day, and left me beyond heal,

I am really tired of fighting each day and rising to fail again..

Please either finish me or let me be a new name,

I don't want to remember, please erase it all..

Let me be a new me, and let the dead unwanted fall,

I hope you are listening to me and don't ignore..

it won't be fair this year, if i feel like before... :(

Gloomy turned cook :P

Ever experienced that drowning feeling under water? The only thing you would recollect after catching breath is "constant fight to gasp air"! That reminds me I don't know how to swim till now, I was supposed to learn it as soon as I leave my job. Lazy me- I got to learn it next summer. Strikingly,  I sometimes feel this suffocation when I haven't moved out of my house in a long time, not roamed around in it properly considering we have a small one; not taking bath for two days consecutively. It is difficult to evaluate if its isolation or solitude which leads to this disturbing emotion though. [May be it is absolute laziness ;)...as per my mum] However, when the sinking feeling gets onto you the instant reaction is to break-free. The feeling accomplished soon after it is of 'Re-birth'.

The utter distress experienced all this while may be harmful or even destructive in nature. At times, people tag it as 'depression'. It is so common with me, that I prefer to call it one of those "closed days". Unexpectedly, it might also bring the best in you. You might end up introspecting or taking initiative for a new beginning. The urge to unravel sometimes brings the best in you; you might discover your hidden talents and optimize them. I have recently started cooking. I knew how to cook before as well, but now I am trying to learn and re-learn how to cook things that I like. It is fun. Actually it is lot more than the usual household cooking. 

At least that is what I want it to be.

I had prepared Suji Halwa. I liked it. Next I had prepared Bread rolls (with the stuffing of potatoes, peas, onion and some basic kitchen spices). With the left over mixture I tried cutlets, I believe they were not bad. Unfortunately, the most awaited recipe that I tried last evening didn't turn out well. I tried tempting Garlic pull-outs from a neighboring blog- Easy cooking. Honestly I was disheartened to see what I had prepared it was a disaster. Fortunately I got some assistance from Divya, who helped me understand what went wrong. Cooking I believe is just like a haircut, once done can't be undone. I have decided next time I will take pictures to make it more memorable for myself. (not the spoiled ones of course :P)

Hopefully, till I post next I will be ready with a successful attempt of a new recipe ;)

Cheers!

Broken dream.. :(

Like a child dreams of flying one day..

I too had a small cherished dream at bay,

A simple wish of doing the undone..

unfortunately it was approved by none,

My heart skipped a beat at it's realization..

I was fearless and excited-no inhibition,

I got what I wanted and desired for long..

it soon became a part of me, that was called "wrong",

I was hurt, now I could feel a drenched dream..

in the tears of mourning and unchained screams,

It was gone. It wasn't with me anymore..

but the memories, it's feeling is what I will store,

Etched in my heart forever and ever......

One last "hug!"...

I feel miserable, to ask you for my one last hug..

because I will never forget how we used to snug,

May be the bond that we shared was not known to all..

and the beautiful mansion of our dreams was built to fall,

How will I live without the warmth of your arms and caress..

whom will I run to, when I can't put myself to rest,

I feel emotionally crippled, cut and wounded right now..

only the pain is getting worse and I 'have' to live WOW!!

Tears roll down my neck and I feel am burning inside..

I wish I could memorize forever and hold on to your last sight..

My heart is bleeding and is once again left torn apart..

please don't leave me alone and cut my life into parts,

I feel so unwanted, suffocated, choked and finished..

I want to relive my very first hug and how I was innocently kissed,

Now I miss your voice, companionship, and true love in the eye..

there is no one who knows I am lying and when I am not I,

Don't go, please I beg you, Don't go.. :(

You haven't yet taught me to live without you or let you go...

P.S. I haven't written this poem for any of the "people" whom I loved.

Winter morning..

Oh my god, I can't see anything I told Maa when I looked outside the window of my room. It is so foggy. Whatever! I had to get going fast and chill outside was making it even worse.  The colors of cozy winter clothes, mittens, mufflers, caps; that people wear really make me miss him even more. 

Rubbing my palms against each other to warm up, I walked briskly. I knew I will be late, every day Maa tells me to sleep on time, and every day I get up late. But I had to speak to him. I so very wish he could have understood, how I felt. How I felt about him, and "ourselves". If life was so simple then why does it always seem so complicated, I have been there for him always and now it was his turn to stand by my side. My parents are looking for an eligible match for me.

I had reached Metro station and moved quickly to the platform after punching my smart card at the entry gate. All the passengers seemed to be in a hurry, for a second I thought; Did they get up late too?? While I was waiting for the Metro, I saw a school kid with his mother and it was so relaxing to observe him for a while. You know what was he doing? He was smoking in and out the fog.. I remember doing that too. It used to be funny, but sweet. I got inside the Metro and stood next to the window pane for the doors opposite to the entry door. Looking outside the window I thought, why did we meet? and what were God's plan if he made us meet so often, speak so often and like each other so much. Yes, by now I knew everything about him, and I am sure he does about me too. 

Did i even need to explain him, how I was feeling inside. I guess either he too was upset last night or he was being too ignorant. I just didn't like the escapism! Had I been the guy I would have dealt with the entire situation on my own know what my(the girl's) intentions were. Anyhow, I guess I am thinking too much, may be he is working on it too. He told me he needed some time. But how much time? I can't ask my parents to wait. I just heard the announcement for the station, where I had to get down and I just managed to get down in time. God! is it a Do or Die day for me!? Uff. 

I have to take exit from the metro station and take an Auto fast or else I will be killed today.. My Boss will literally blast today. I had to be there for the presentation at 10a.m. Thank God, I had prepared the presentation day before yesterday itself. Does before hand planning always help? Do we really get things/results that we expect out of our plans.. I just want him to give it a genuine try. He should speak to his family soon. Don't know what are they going to say. What will I do if they say No.. and will he go against his family? 

Urrghh! I can't be such a pessimists, lets hope for the best. I know he loves me more than I even know! :)

It is going to be 10:15, and I have finally reached office. 

Will keep this space posted..

Have a wonderful, shining day! :-) 

P.S. A piece of fiction. Part-1